Pillow + Screaming = Crying

This morning I screamed into a pillow. This lead to crying and curling up on the floor which lead to me feeling better. To be honest I am in a really go place and I am very fortunate and I do not have most of the stress others might have right now with Covid-19. I did lose my current job and current summer job will likely be cancelled. I have been working on many initiatives as a Girl Guide leader and all of those got cancelled. I have long term goals I am working on and I don't know yet how Covid-19 will affect them. But what got to me this morning was applying for the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit. 

Back in July I left my job as a Sales Manager and Purchasing Manager and did not qualify for EI at that time. So when I applied in March they reactivated my previous claim. Then came the uncertainty. Would I get approved this time. Why does it matter what happened in July. I lost by job because of Covid-19. They said it would be easy and everyone would get covered... I tried applying on line on Thursday but I already had an EI claim. I tried to call EI to find out what to do.... That's what got to me in the end. Trying and trying to call and not being able to get through. The uncertainty of the moment. I wanted to believe that everything would work out but every time I called and the system hung up on me I lost a little bit of hope and get sucked in to a place of fear. What if I don't quality? Why me? Why can't I get covered? Why did I screw up and leave my job in July?

I though I had come to terms with my last job and had dealt with the my feelings from that time but here I was being punished for putting my health and well-being first back in July. I should have known better and just stayed in that job suffering. I was in full pity party mode.  Beating myself up for decisions made months ago. Decisions which were 100% right for me at the time. I was also frustrated and angry that I could not reach someone. If I could just talk to someone I am sure I could get it sorted out. 

In the end I did two things that I find hard to do. First, I accepted my Mom's help. She said she would keep trying to call EI for me. As every time I called and didn't get through it was adding to the pit in my stomach and while trying to call I couldn't do anything else. Saying yes to her offer of help was hard but it was so the right thing to do. Second, I grabbed a pillow and yelled into it and let out all the frustration I was feeling. As I ragged into the pillow the fear I was feeling was given a voice and had a release and I started to feel the regret and loss that was underneath my frustration. 

The regret: did I make the wrong choices in my life, like quitting my job in the summer? Did I cause this current problem I am in? Am I do blame? Once the regret I was feeling came to the surface I could deal with it. That doesn't mean it's 100% resolved but I can now address these feelings and remind myself that I did make the best decsision I could in July and that I am not the cause of the problem I am in. I did nothing wrong and whether or not I get the CERB or normal EI or whatever is not a reflection of who I am.  Or what I did right or wrong. FYI, I did get the CERB after getting through to EI and got the phone number to apply over the phone for the CERB. 

The loss: This weekend (Easter) I was suppose to be taking a group of Girl Guides on a canoe trip to Main Lake provincial park on Quadra Island. This is all part of a plan to lead a Girl Guide trip to Bowron Lakes in 2021 as I need at least 10 nights caneoing with girls. This was a number of the nights I needed. The rest of the nights would have been aquired with my summer job as an out trip leader at Camp Sasamat, which I fear will not happend now. Underneather my anxiety and faustration was this loss of current and future plans. I have been working on this Bowron Lakes goal for a year. Lossing out on these opportunities is a loss for me. And I need to grief this. 

Right now with everything going on and people dying and other people putting their health at risk to be on the front lines it can seem selfish to dwell on interuptions to our life like birthday parties, graduations, wedding, aniverseries, canoe trips.... whatever. But these events, plans, goals and dreams mean something to us and the feeling are there under the surface whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. If they are there anyways it is better to take a moment and acknowledge them grieve your losses, whatever they maybe. You will feel better and have more capacity to deal with everything coming at you now and in the future.